Obituary for the Living – in Love for Gdad


About half a year before our dear old Granddad died I ordered a special Portrait. I knew that Gdad spoke of a painting of an Indian chief when he was a child. He was so fond of it and happy that his dad had it. But the painting and his dad got lost during the terrible riots during the Weimarer Republik when he was eleven years of age. And all the rest got lost in the terrible events of WWII. Gdad had to leave his home at the age of 17 to be sent off to die in Russia. But he survived the Crimean and could get away from war captivity. Then was deployed in Romania where he led the casino. He worked a lot with people there and got befriended with jewish victuallers. And he also had a friendship with their daughter. It might have been more. He often visited the family and got there on “his” hourse Sena. But war and the Nazi regime were merciless. So he helped jewish friends and other Romanians not to get deported when it got worse. Unfortunately he could not save all of them. Then he had to leave to Italy. There he refused following the order to fight against partisans by hiding away in the ammunition room. After his arrest he had his first day off to walk along the harbour in Triest. Again dreaming of sailing away on a big and free ship to get away from all those terrible events and to see happy places of the planet. And of course to get home to see his mother. On his walk the harbour got attacked by British air force and his right foot got torn by a shell. He was 22 years of age. All in all he was lucky; he had not been sent back to any front and got back to Germany. But his home was bombed and in ruins…

After war with recurring high fever attacks and a foot that was just sewed together, walking on crutches he didn´t find a job. And in such situation his mother died. Totally down, injured, traumatised and alone he didn´t give up. He tried to do something as a freelancer. On a longer way he succeeded in constructing a car from scrap and parts he could get. So he drove his own taxi. Working for the British troups for a while and then also took part in providing first new money to German folks- Deutsche Mark, he got back on his feet. So he made his way… Later fulfilled one of his life dreams again and made his pilot´s licence. And he got a family… and lost most of them again.

Finally Mum, my brother and I were there. And then my son joined us. How precious it is to have such a lovely bunch.

So I wanted gdad to have a painting from his years and dreams of freedom and stations of his turbulent life. I found an artist I trusted to create a portrait of all the aspects. and it was quite dramatic irony that it was one from UK.

I sent photographs from all over gdad´s life in black and white and in colour and we discussed which ones were the most expressive to take as models. For the black and white one with the horse we had to find out of which colour the uniform was. The process of the painting was very deep reflection for me to get into gdad´s life. How close things suddenly came to me.

When gdad received the painting as a surprise he was so overwhelmed and happy. With tears in his eyes he discovered the details and got taken with memories. The only piece of art he ever had for his own, and it summed up himself. He felt honoured so much and was so grateful. When I suggested to take a photo together with the portrait gdad dressed his best suit jacket and took place in his best arm chair. Mum and my son around him. Gdad felt like real peace had come to earth. As if he just signed a contract about it. And like a wonder the fever didn´t come back and for the first time since 1944 his war injury dried and closed.

And now writing all this I have to cry again with pride and hope. RIP and freedom, Granddad and dad for us all. x

And please, my dearest gentle readers and friends, enjoy life and take care about yourself and where you are needed. Crown the Living. Every single soul needs bread, home, peace and freedom so much.

And thank you, @DaveMooreArt, for the wonderful painting. We are so grateful.



The Empire of Fata Morgana – Another Fairy Tale…

Fata Morgana by DaveMooreArt (with many thanks!)

Painting: Fata Morgana by DaveMooreArt (with many thanks!)

A young guy called Uli got banned into a small boat on the sea because the big ship he had been on got into a storm and the crew blamed him to have done black magic.

He prayed to the stars and accepted his fate even though he felt innocent and then fell asleep, exhausted. While sleeping a flock of dolphins came and pulled the boat away. And when Uli woke up he wanted to suicide because he didn´t want to wait for dying slowly and painfully. But when he opened his eyes he saw land.

The boat drifted to a shore with soft waves into shimmering mist and it stopped in a field of flowers. Leaving the boat he walked over the fields full of light and colours. Suddenly slightly dressed girls came floating around him to pull him along a way to a huge open gate. And in golden letters there was written The Empire of Fata Morgana. He passed through and was amazed more again.

All was glowing in golden sunshine through the misty fields and rivers of milk and honey. Then suddenly a throne appeared in front of him. And there was sitting a woman in a dress of rubies and diamonds and her golden crown was framed by shining stars.

“Welcome to my empire, stranger. Explore every direction and be a happy citizen. All treasures you can see are yours just as they belong to all of those who decided to call this place their home. Most humans chide me and my country of wonders and call me a demon of mischief who promises all and gives nothing. Those Fools! As if they had a better stand on Earth, as if their ambition and business was anything else but an illusion with the additional curse be so sure about their possessions.

Here in my empire we don´t get to such an attitude. In everlasting happy expectations we get along. Again, welcome to my kingdom.”

She reached out her hand to Uli. And he, stunned by her words and beauty, climbed up the stairs to take it. But suddenly he found himself sitting on the throne. Confused he looked down and all the flowers changed to be people who shouted their welcomes to the new king to be husband of their queen. “Give us your commands!” So Uli ordered to have a great feast with free meal, dance and fun all together. He climbed down from the throne again to step among the crowd but suddenly people disappeared in the mists and he stood alone in the fields. A painful disappointment struck him. Then he heard some music. And far away at a riverside he saw peasants dancing and having a feast and laughing fun. An old man who suddenly stood at his side said: “Ah I can see your heart. You want to be with them, don´t you?” “Yes.” Uli answered with shining eyes. “I hope so much that it´s not another illusion.” “Come on. I will lead you there.” Uli was excited and the old man and he filled time with nice conversation on their way. But then all the scenery changed to mist and also his guidance was gone. Uli was desperate. And this way it went on and on. He was close to find wisdom, the love of his life, friendship, wealth. But all disappeared before his eyes and he fell down in tears.

Suddenly Fata Morgana stood in front of him. “So what are you complaining about, mortal? You have been saved from the soaken death and I have given you shelter. You had to experience what none of my citizens will ever be able to run away from. Don´t be afraid. The time you spent close to me is not lost. And I´ve shown you the possibilities of your coming future you can chose wisely. And my blessings are with you as you´ll get back to your real home and yours.”

Uli worshipped the Fata Morgana in the misty dust and gratefully he found his boat beside him. “Yes, the real happiness is to trust in our hearts alone.” Filled with confidence he got into the little boat and fell asleep. He woke up with the sunlight and a seagull´s cry. He found himself at the coast of his hometown. People on the beach waving to him. Slowly with patience Uli got there carried by the soothing waves. His family came and holding them in his arms he gratefully knew he truly was blessed with inner peace and happiness.

A Tree´s Hair is not to cut…


The Tree (a song I must have heard somewhere…)


Now I don´t cut my hair anymore

Listen to the growing of my leaves

The forest plants my wooden heart

My arms reach out to the sky

To stay here forever


The nails sink deep

Into the realm of Mother Earth

My skin already bends and bows

Digested sand and stones a lot

To get tired for ages


A tree with bugs on my face

And moss in my hair

My skin hard like a rock


Through my fingers the wind goes

Was it yesterday? Was it today?

The whole winter I don´t wake up

A woodpecker knocks at my closed doors

Hoping for a lot of booty


My head turns green, the summer comes along

With dew and rain drops

A shiver runs through my trunk

I can hear them, they are arriving

Men with saws


A tree with bugs on my face

And moss in my hair

My skin hard like a rock…


Naked Blaze – an autist love

Autism is a bit like loving the moon... some kind of idealistic

Autism is a bit like loving the moon… some kind of idealistic

At some day by a sudden impulse I realised how beautifully a soft breeze was tousling your hair. And in the sunshine every strand shimmered in many colours. Since that day I loved the wind.

Your smile promised a field of mint and your eyes the rough sea, so far out till the horizon got round.

And I walked a while at your side until night came along.

But the wind was still on and played with your hair in the moonlight.

And the moon changed its colours. The moon made it silver, darkblue and deep. The moon became brother of the wind and I loved him as well. How uncomparable it reflected on your face.

“Look at me.” I said, “please, look at me. I want to see the wind and the moon in you.” You smiled at me and I melted by so much moon, I could count its rays. And I felt that silver hand closing around my middle pulling me to inner floods.

Nearly I already loved the moon more than the wind.

And in the very early morning dawn when the wind decided to sleep I saw you released in wonderful radiance of reflections of my deeply beloved dream of the night. Oh yes, this night was mine. You were mine. Naked blaze at dawn.

Then the sun came. The shining in your hair was not the same. Without the wind there was silence on your head. And the sun didn´t bring the blaze on your face that I thought to own, at least in darkness grateful revelation of modest light.

And you became a stranger to me. In further nights the moon started to veil its face and retreated from you and me. No. don´t look at me anymore! I can´t find in your features anymore what was lovable and all to me, what took me away in rapture,  drove me, tortured and brought me to sweet enthusiasm. What I saw now was a human face.

Why are you so close?! Have you not been on the moon lately? Didn´t we play there? And in what kind of paradise have we been while the wind was still playing in your hair?

You shake me and shout at me. “What will be with us?! What about our covenant, out love?! You don´t love me anymore!”

But… I never loved you. I loved the wind and the moon. And you were so beautiful to make me realise them.

You weep, you swear, you curse me. What have I done to you? I wish you could have felt with me what I see. Have you really never been a friend? Just vanity?

And when the moon came back, you disappeared. I raised my head to the night sky. You cruel moon. To love you is solitude.

And while I stood and stood there, all in a sudden a warm breeze came up. The wind played with my hair tenderly and softly caressed my face.

Oh wind, how I loved and love you, my friend.


Laughing with or at



To socialise is something so very important for human beings to survive and to feel wholesome. When you are a child you expect to be cared for and in most cases parents want and do naturally. At some point usually when the child grows up the expectations change step by step not only needing the care but also to get in contact with those you just want to play with to share experiences and to prepare for life´s challenges. Somehow my way went different because I could not find those interactive action more interesting than my inner world full of questions and thoughts creating relations to ideas, allegories, animals and things.

The world around me didn´t answer my questions. School was boring, pupils were boring, other children were boring and only disturbed me in my inner imaginary surrounding I got lost in so often with only a few stimuli life outside gave me. People thought me to be odd being so sensitive about their cruel behaviour towards myself and other children they mocked and bullied; it hurt me deeply cause I still sensed so many things around and even though I didn´t show up any skills to socialise I felt the need to be connected with people, to just be with them, to just have them about, to have peace and fun. My rare attempts of expression didn´t find an aim.

And not realising that I really was different I thought them to be just cruel and myself to be weak. So I isolated and only sometimes got out to look for people who were different as well. And I found so many heavens and hells of human existence, found love, discovered libido and always things turned out to not work like it seemed to be meant to.

My son saved me. He made me strong and suddenly interaction with the outer world was more than a shadow existence of being cared for in a suffering soul shell. And also I learnt to be unremarkable, to walk normal among society members to hide away any symptoms of coming along different. Well, I couldn´t avoid all. But then being an artistic one people just thought my oddness to be keeping a special image of craziness.

Very much later when I got diagnosed as having a mild autism with an extend of Aspergers I understood myself so very much better and started to explain to people. Some of those who knew me a longer while just said that they have always taken me that odd way I was. Unfortunately they never gave me feedback before what they felt odd about me.

Others now laugh out loud when it comes to a typical situation of misunderstanding, inadequate pacing or confusion and try to make jokes about what they can´t really understand. They want to show up that they take it with understanding humour, but actually some who can´t stop that don´t understand at all. It´s so often like those people who cook a rost beef for friends and forget that one of them is vegetarian.

If laughter is the only way for people to cope with diversity I ask myself what kind of social skills this society really teaches us. I´ve got a lot of self-irony till now while learning about irony over the years. The traps in my brain are sometimes funny for sure. But I´m greatful for those “normal” people who also learnt some self-irony towards their inability to empathise, and who joke about their limited ego-perspective. I know some who can do so!  They make me hope.

Some say: Ah, they get along with their disability brilliantly they always laugh with us when we make our jokes about them… – What do you actually expect? That we give the clishee image of someone turning away in tears like in a school book to explain bullying? Embarrassing all and ourselves?

How should a social and sensitive being react  people joke about? Going aggressive? What is the adequate pattern tought by our society to express a hurtful situation in a social group? I make the experience that people are not able to deal with an honest word properly.

Well, I know it´s not easy to break free from general habit of superficial sultification of “bloopers” and the easy way avoiding complex reflection and just to think it being funny. But every “being different” includes a long and often complicated story of suffering from expelling reaction expressed by laughter. Please, consider this. You better smile with open mind and learn to talk honestly and laugh about yourself, so we all learn to laugh together heartfully. life could be so much fun for all of us. 🙂


Complexity – Curse or Bliss?

So many complex patterns overlay each other to become a new one...

So many complex patterns overlay each other to become a new one…

When I perceive those sceneries my brain feels challenged. To avoid confusion I want to analyse the situation and find out how many layers are there. Every detail is taken like a part of a jigsaw to find which layer it belongs to.  And this way a multi-dimensional construction falls into pieces so I can recreate all elements and its composition. So many informations have to be sorted and the recreation sometimes bears frustration and also great happiness to understand the deep long-term complexity how those patterns came to be. You see beauty and abysses, finally most overwhelming processes, and there won´t be a wonder-pill to make it whole and wholesome again right now. Analysing you go through hell, you go through modesty, doubts, anger, tears, laughter, insight and the frustration how to make comprehensive what you perceive. Or even how to change things.

The analysis itself is so complex that it´s so hard and difficult to give an impression. So desparately I only can express by art and artistic output to express. But doesn´t that bring more complexity again? So do I just add another layer to what is not understandable already? Or am I able to give a summery of the essential? I doubt so much about my communication, you can´t imagine. And also: Who is interested to get those informations?

So often I have to realise that I am too complicated for people. Actually I like complexity and also I see complexity already in the most simple things. So I come out to be a bit nerdy even though I love to enjoy gifts of life.

Complexity has its own beauty. Even joy is complex. And so much more when you are able to look at the layers from different sides so that you can see the dimensions. Yes, too complicated, I know. But that´s me. So please, don´t mind me that I sometimes have to drift off to understand situations that way. Well, as a complexity-fancier you have a quite lonely path. I´m so happy that there are some rare souls I can share with.